In a move that stunned the NFL, beverage giant Coca-Cola announced this week that it would be withdrawing its long-standing sponsorship of the Super Bowl after league officials confirmed Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny would headline this year’s halftime show. The soft drink empire, known for Santa Claus, polar bears, and Christmas jingles no one asked for in July, declared that “only Kid Rock can preserve the true American spirit of halftime.”

“Coca-Cola has been an iconic part of football culture for generations,” said CEO James Quincey while dramatically sipping from a glass bottle of Coke like it was holy water. “But enough is enough. If the NFL is going to shove foreign reggaeton down America’s throat, then our refreshing blend of sugar water will no longer be part of that experience. We want Kid Rock, and only Kid Rock.”

The Great Cola Cold War
The fallout between Coke and the NFL marks the most contentious breakup since Pepsi tried to convince people that Kendall Jenner could solve police brutality with a soda can. This time, however, the stakes are higher: a halftime performer whose songs regularly top global charts versus a middle-aged rocker best remembered for yelling “Bawitdaba” at the turn of the millennium.
According to internal memos leaked to Fox Business, Coke executives had been growing uneasy for months. “We tolerated The Weeknd, we stomached Shakira, but we draw the line at Bad Bunny,” one memo reportedly said. “This isn’t the Bunny Bowl—it’s the Super Bowl.”
The memo went on to suggest that Kid Rock’s catalogue of patriotic anthems could pair nicely with “America’s beverage,” especially if he agreed to shotgun a can of Coke during “Born Free.”
NFL Scrambles for New Sponsors
Roger Goodell, visibly sweating at a hastily arranged press conference, attempted to downplay the corporate divorce. “The NFL is proud of its diverse lineup,” he said. “Bad Bunny appeals to millions worldwide, and we’re committed to inclusivity. Plus, Pepsi already left, and if Coke goes too, we’re down to Gatorade and maybe a guy selling churros outside the stadium.”
Industry insiders claim Anheuser-Busch is circling to fill the void, promising halftime commercials featuring horses drinking Bud Light in slow motion while chanting “No Bunny, More Beer.”